Right...Death to the following:

PEOPLE... ...who keep insisting on loaning you a book, and even though you keep tellin' 'em you're too busy to read it, you eventually take it to stop them hassling you, then they go and get all shirty months later when you give it back to them with cum stains across the back cover! For fuck's sake...

Wasting 4 hours...
	..downloading and installing trial software for DVD to AVI conversion, converting the fucking clip, only to have the name of the software producer splashed across the picture in bright green for the length of the piece. To use the local lingo, that's "a load of me bollix".

Tower records So, the long awaited release of the new Doctor Who soundtrack was last Monday. I left it til Thursday to start my search through town's record shops to look for it. Eventually, after hours of fruitless searching, I arrived at Tower on Wicklow St, to be told they had none, and weren't even getting it, but that Tower in Easons had 2 copies! So I went to Tower in Easons to be told they had 2 copies, but the release date wasn't til Friday (wrong), so they couldn't sell one to me. Fair enough, I said, can you keep me one, and I'll be in in the morning for it? No, they said, they couldn't, 'cos it's 'too near Christmas', whatever the fuck that means! Fine, I said. I then went home and downloaded it illegally in 15 minutes! Honestly, Tower records is killing music!

PACKETS OF CHOCOLATE BARS...
...that look, on the receipt, like 6 packs of condoms. Try explaining that, unpacking the shopping. Especially after eating all the fuckin' bars on the way home.

Rap 'Music' Made BY idiots, FOR idiots. It's basically just whining, set to a backbeat. Or guys trying to assert their right to exist, by constantly stating their name in these piece of shit 'songs'. And on what planet are gold teeth and 'chest-clocks' considered 'cool'? Learn a fucking instrument, or to read, or something.

Bureaucracy So...I get this form from the Medical Card office, saying my old one needs renewal, and the basic gist of it is "If ya don't send the form back to us 2 weeks after the issue date, you're fucked, boy!" Issue date is 1st of July Date stamped on envelope: 12th July Date I received it? 17th July... *claps* In the tradition of 'fight fire with fire', is it possible to fight bureaucracy WITH bureaucracy? Like next time the tax office is demanding money from me, can I just say: "Sorry, you'll have to fill out your request on a BOB307 form. How do you get one? Well, you have to send in a written application for it, of course! You tool."

...and now...Burgerking! Yes! In furtherance to my earlier McDonalds rant (below), Burgerking, Grafton Street get the honours this time, for throwing my brother out, whilst taking a shit in their toilets! Assuming he was shooting up, presumeably, the security guard demanded to see what he was doing. Now...my brother's not even one of these blue 'n' white clad, big-eared, shaven-headed, dozy-eyed heroin-addicted tosspots you see locking themselves into toilets for 15 minutes in most fast food outlets....he's a fucking wrestler, for fuck's sake, with the height and muscles to match. He doesn't have that classic junkie look. He was sitting there and heard was a foreign voice demanding to let him in. Well..would YOU let them in? Having told the guy a couple of times that he was 'having a shit', he was eventually reefed out, trousers round ankles, and fucked off the premises. Well done, lads. Customer care is on the up, I see...

McDonalds Not for the usual environmental reasons those beatniks and whatnot decry this establishment, but rather the pig-headedness of their 'security' people. I went in there tonight, on my own, wanting two things: A Big mac meal, and to have a piss. Now, would your first option be to order your food, take it to your table upstairs, sit it down with the usual chavscum sitting about, and leave for 3 minutes while you went to the loo? Of course not. I even explained to the 'attendant' that I needed to use the loo before I order my food, but he wasnt having any of it. He just kept saying 'order food first' in, not so much broken, as maimed English. Of course, you cant go to the bathroom between ordering, and collecting your food, cos it happens simultaeniously. I explained, 'Look, I have money', just in case he thought I was going in to shoot up / graffiti the jacks / administer oral sex to strangers / await orders from the Devil. I just threw my hands into the air, and announced I was taking my business to Burgerking, etc. God, I can't wait for the day when I'm famous enough the pull out the ever-popular "Don't you know who I am?" line, and be thought of as a right wanker, by all the other customers in the shop. Ah well, now the summer's here, the guy will probably leave McDonalds soon to work as a carny... By the way, am I the only one that realises, just as he's taking a piss in McDonalds, that I'm actually the most normal person in the room?

Ocular migraine THIS is how I see things (particularly clocks) when one of these ocular migraines hits. For 30 minutes! Followed by headaches!!! Who invented these, and why? I need answers....

God* ...for taking my Grandad. The only sane man in a world goin' mad. Still dream I'm in his gaff with him, and it always feels like the most natural thing in the world, like he never died. Life went wobbly after that. * and cirrhosis of the liver

People who make CD wallets... ...that don't fooking close when they're filled!! Bastards! Ya don't know about it til months later, after chucking out all the individual CD boxes, of course, no... Grrr

TV Stations Can you please still assume that most people have the traditional size TVs and get ALL the fucking picture in? Or at least centre it so we're not just catching the ends of the surnames of the actors... Thanks awfully.

Taxi Drivers Okay, you taxi-guys...Here's a novel idea. Next time you're picking someone up from a home address, at 3 a.m., how about - now go with me on this - getting out of your car, and KNOCKING ON THEIR FUCKING DOOR!!!! Sounds amazing, doesn't it. What's with all this 'beeping' shit, waking up everyone in adjoining houses...people who work / school at normal daytime hours. We're not ALL folks that have to work overnight, 'cos it's the only form of employment we can get, being a 52 year-old functioning alcoholic. You fat bastards. And do something about your personal hygeine too, while you're at it.

Religious Orders 'Cos none of you are 'right'. You're all just an opinion. Deal with that...then fuck right off...

Adulthood See this happy camper above? That's li'l ol' me, before the bitterness and disappointment of adulthood kicked in. Look at that sweet little angelic face, that kid full of hope and wonder, before the world mawled him with it's harsh truths and the onus of adolescence. He was alot happier than me...didn't have to worry about money, relationships, or the social moires of modern society...no. He just wanted more than one stormtrooper figure, so they could stand either side of Darth Vader. Not too much to ask, was it? It's the sort of thing that I've found difficult to move further down my needs list, as the years rolled on, to be honest, but try saying that out loud to people now! They'd lock you up! Still...could be worse. I could have a job.

Modern Fashion Damn your fancy label clothes and zipped pockets. Why can't a man wear a good old-fashioned, cloak / cape (with optional hood), and maybe a trusty sword by his side, like Dayes of Olde. All this having to wear the latest fashion to stay sexy is not how man was meant to live, dammit!!!! Keep your 'boot-cut' jeans!! I want to wear animal furs!!!! It's society's crime, not ours!!

The Dandy NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Only saw this recently!! (it happened a while back) The last bastion of my childhood comics!!! Changed!! For the worst!! Look at it!!!! Look!!! What have they done??? Look at Desperate Dan!!! 'Desperate' is right!! Yeah, I know I shouldn't be upset about a childs comic, at 35, but..but...it's The Dandy!! Look at it!! What gypsy bastards have they used to redesign this...this... mess! I'm sorry...I have to go. I'm..I'm upset..

Modern technology It all started with 'new improved' stereos. You knew were you were with stereos in the 80s. My grandad had a great one from the seventies, that still worked up until recently, til it fell victim to small children. That can't be helped. Children are a force to be reckoned with. But I speak of today's technology, which can meet an all too early death, as soon as you..um...use it. Stereos were fine. You had a deck, a tape recorder, and player, and a radio with a nice solid, sturdy nob. And then later...the CD. Then the changes started. You could play side 2 of a tape, without taking it out!! (That still wrecks my head) Then the 'CD synch record', which won't let ya press the record button independantly of the CD playing. Then...NO MORE KNOB!!!! You can't manually turn a knob to tune the radio. You now have 'preset' shit, and two buttons you gotta keep hitting to get from 2fm to FM 104!!! Bastards!!! Of course, the records and tape are dead, and the videotape is dying of a broken heart, mourning the loss of it's comrades, making room for the new evil... DVDS!!! I hate DVDs. Now, on saying that, I HAVE just purchased a DVD recorder. But...y'know...you have to move with the times, and in 5 years time, you wont be able to get blank videos.... This brings me to the final frustrating problem we all now face. Contrary to the expectations of physics, digital recoring is NOT an exact science. You CAN'T record onto CD or DVD without at least every tenth disc failing, right after you've wasted 7 hours of your life transferring 17 episodes of Dr Who for a friend. Gypsy bastards!!! I don't trust disc storage. At least with tapes, if there was a technical problem, you could see it developing. The picture was a bit fuzzier, the sound was starting to get a bit muffled...you knew how to roll back up the cassette if it got caught in the heads. But, with disc, you don't know WHATS happening when the sound / picture starts throwing a wobbly, music / video skipping and pausing all over the shop. You don't get a problem with sound synch on videotape. Why, oh why, is it such a hard format for the 'boffins' to perfect?. And on the subject of modern technology, why is there always a choice between two different formats of everything??? It just makes our lives more stressful!!! Always thinking "What if I picked the wrong one? Mac or Windows, DVD-R, or DVD+R, Pal or NTSC, Region 1 or Region 2, 086 or 087, etc." It all started with 'VHS or Betamax', and no-one wants to end up with the modern day equivalent of Betamax. I'm building a time machine, and moving back to the 80s...this is all too stressing...

Gillette - The More Frustrated a Man Can get See the above pic? That's the look I'm thinking of going for... WHAT THE HELL is it with razor fittings?? I bought a pack of 10 triple-blades (and as you know, that means no going out again for the rest of the week), and they don't fit EITHER of the Gillette handles I own. YOU MEAN THERE'S A THIRD FITTING???? Why??? What advances in the area of 'angle of tilt' science requires them to totally redesign the fucking handle fitting. What the fuck use is that to anyone??? For crying out loud. The Galactic Federation can interact and download shit from Klingon and Cardassian computers, and we can't get a handle that fits all blades (okay, okay, the Federations not real, but you know what i mean...) Gypsy bastards...

Internet 'advertisers' and phone 'marketeers' Bit of a nerdish rant this one...let's press on.. Okay - There's three main types really bugging the shit outta me.. Firstly, those who dont bother their arses posting anything on any internet forum, except to advertise their tablets / online casino etc. Sometimes it can be for another service altogether, such as the fuckwits who post as 'Dubliner', on every Irish comedians forum, even tho they've no interest in these comedians, or of adding anything to the conversation. They just post ads for their 'outings' (which are usually out of date anyway, cos they're idiots), offering a 'wide' range of activities for their fat, ugly, socially crippled members. Then, when I ban them from my own forum, have the cheek to start sending me private messages on OTHER website forums, with really bad english. In fact, their English is so bad, I don't think they're 'dubliners' at all...probably a motley collection of refugees. Next, on the list, those halfwits who post on message boards, with lines like: "Hey! I'm really loving this site. Well done! Codasentimine - www.blah blah..." Oooh..look...it's a link for online pills. Usually pills for 'depression', or 'weight loss', or something that would appeal to Americans mainly, who wouldn't need weight loss / anti-depression tablets, if they left their trailers for half an hour a day, to try walking... Fucktards. Lastly, we have the marketeers / survey bastards who phone you at home, up to 9 o'clock at night, to ask some questions, the nature of which I've no idea, 'cos I've hung up on them by the second sentence. They enquire if they can ask you a few questions, then, as your forming a response, that allows you to wriggle out of said discussion, they pipe on anyway, as if it's an automatic recording... at which point you've decided they're worthless piece of human trash, who don't even deserve explanation for the sudden break in communication which ensues... If you're one of 'em, get a real fucking job, you turd, or follow your life's dream, or whatever. Join the fucking Scientologists for all I care, but just fuck off outta my phone, you gypsy twats.... Mmmm...Gypsy Twats. There's a good name for a new biscuit...

Drunks 20 ways to be a successful drunk 1. Never, NEVER let go of a person's hand once you start shaking it. You may need to impart vital information, and they could be gone by the time you've thought of it... If the handshake is still happening after a 5 minute period, and the person you are talking to is of the same sex, it is important to point out to them that you're not 'a homosexual or anything' 2. It is essential you believe that everyone else is enjoying your company as much as you are. 3. Sober people you have just met on the street already know the pre-emptive conversation going on in your head. Feel free to continue aloud from any point in your internal monologue. 4. Everyone else is just as pissed off with / in love with the world, on the same level as you, right at this moment. 5. Try to wet yourself as early in the night as possible, ensuring a dry set of clothes the following morning. 6. If you wake up with a soaking wet crotch, you OBVIOUSLY must have fallen asleep with an open can of beer in your hand. Do NOT let anyone else believe otherwise. 7. When attempting to pick back up any coins / foodstuffs / bottles you have dropped, do NOT make use of the handy 'bending' action of your knees. Try to keep your legs straight, your waist AT waist level, and point your fingers towards the ground as far as the will stretch. Any need to lower the upper half of your body, can be achieved by spreading your feet further apart, an inch at a time.. 8. A healthy release of vomit from time to time, allows for the further consumption of alcoholic goodness, tho you must ensure to avoid depositing said vomit in between your upper thighs, especially if your intention is to stay sitting IN that particular seat. 9. It is important to remember to complete the following task in this order: a: Stand up b: go to lavatory c: open flies d: Piss any reversal of one or more stages of this process can result in the barring of oneself from the bar / lounge / supermarket 10. Remember: Soap costs beer money 11. Yes, there IS a slight chance that you and that girl at the end of the bar looking at her watch may have a full and loving relationship, on both a sexual and spiritual level. Perhaps if you also wafted your whiskey fumes in her face, and let her see the full extent of dental devastation bestowed onto you, she will rush into the throes of mad love-making , poste haste. 12. At this point of your drinking day, it is important to acknowledge the fact there are absolutlely NO consequences to ANYTHING you say or do this side of bedtime. 13. People driving in cars are calling you names, and laughing at you. It is important to make an appearance at a nearby, busy junction, and scream as loud, and angrily, as possible, at all of these cars, to let them know you dont take any shit. 14. You wouldnt be in this state if it wasnt for that bitch, 12 years ago. 15. Hey!! It's only 2.20 am!!! I bet a couple of people would LOVE you to ring them for a chat now! 16. That fucker of a barman is not going to serve you. Get in a pre-emptive insult now. Tell him what a bastard he is!!! 17. See? I TOLD you he wasnt gonna serve you. 18. There's a nice couple in the corner, both looking away from you, that would LOVE to hear your side of things. On any subject. 19. If you're feeling tired, why not have a sleep IN the pub. You won't notice any background noise of other customers. It'll sound just as if the telly is on. 20. You realise this whiskey has your brain fucked. Maybe, just maybe, you should consider switching to gin, or that blue stuff, on the high shelf behind the bar?

Gift Shops I decided to buy a little prezzie for my niece (pictured on the left - her sister on the right)cos it's her birthday, and I'm her godfather. Pretty simple enough, huh? (By the way, I'd just like to point out to anyone wondering about the slight 'dirt' build-up on their faces here, that this is what happens when your nieces get a hold of your charcoals you bought for Art college) Anyway, I got her a nice set of PJs, on the request of her mother, but, knowing how much kids hate getting just clothes, decided to supplement the present with something small and cute, and preferably with her name on it. Went into one of those shops that sell cups / keyrings / purses / money boxes with names on 'em, as well as cards 'n shit. Now, her name is Amy, ok? AMY! A pretty simple everyday name, quite popular amongst the baby-naming community. Think I could find a single item? No. But they did have lots of 'Ambers' and 'Amelias'..... AMELIA?????? Folks, this gift shop is in Santry, in a shopping mall that caters mainly to people in the greater Santry / Ballymun area! Who has a kid called Amelia????? or Chelsea, for that matter? FFS... oh, and the card and sheet of wrapping paper cost more than the main prezzie. WTF? Must get into the greeting card industry.

Knackers I don't mean itinerants, they're just tax-dodging, unwashed, freeloading bastards. I mean the 'scumma'. The 'hee-yor! Mis-tor!' type of fucknuts. They've somehow trained their minds to believe that they're in the right, no matter what fucked up shit they're pulling. "He shouldn't have have had his bike locked there if he didn't want me to steal it", or "He shouldnt've have come out to stop me robbing his car, if he didn't wanna be stabbed".You dipshits. If they're not already hooked on drugs, or alcoholic, they've got some other fucking 'interest', like their set of rottweilers they love and cherish, but use to threaten us normal law-abiding people with, if we interfere with their shenanigans. Hope you all die in a gutter.Scum.

Northside Slappers Girls, if any of you are making that move form Rawthmoines, to Coolick, you need to make some changes... 1. If buying a pram, allow for maximum child head-count 2. On rare occasions you are NOT pushing a pram, arms must be kept crossed at all times, whilst walking with very short steps. This is to train you not to whack your toes off a pram... 3. You must now go blond, but allow for a 25% view of your 'natchur-diddle' hair colour to show at the roots 4. Always have chewing gum 5. Adopt a "Are you fookin' serious???" expression on your face when ANYONE is trying to have ANY kind of conversation with you. 6. Domestic disputes with boyfriends / common-law husbands / 'that prick' must be conducted OUTSIDE the home, preferably at Tescos, or outside an offy... 7. Upon the birth of baby number 6, 'Enrico / Natalasha', you must acquire a lesbianic haircut (the butch kind). Make-up will also, at this stage, be a luxury you just dont need...and besides, you cant expect Wayne to cut his cans down to SIX nights a week!!! (thanks to haku at b3ta.com, for the pic)

Dublin Bus I REALLY hate these fuckers, for a variety of reasons. Here's three handy hints if you are an employee of this half-arsed company. 1. Time-tables are not just a suggestion. They're there for the customers convenience, so they can (get this) PLAN THEIR TRIPS!!! Just cos you decide 'Ah fuck it, I'm, bored, think I'll leave 5 minutes early' doesn't mean it wont affect anyone else, you twats. Also, sending out every SECOND bus due does not count as a 'regular service' (altho it IS becoming the regular 'service' on the 16 route) 2. Re-read the handbook. Amendment 61a states it is ILLEGAL to detain anyone onboard. Please remember this next time you decide to detain a QUEUE full of people from getting off, 'cos some kids haven't paid the right fare. 3. Bring back bus conductors. You should never have gotten rid of them in the first place. How is one guy supposed to maintain order, when some nutcase pulls out a knife on someone. Or decides to joyride a bus full of passengers, next time you stop to go into the shop for a Herald and coffee... By the way, where's these 'plain clothes' operatives we were promised? Still all sorts of shenanigans going on on buses, like the crowd or drunken wankers the driver let on the 41 route, a few weeks ago, WITH open cans of beer and lit cigarettes in their hands. I wouldnt mind, but it was a bus sent out at midnight, cos they'd forgotten to send the 11.30 bus. AND he stopped at a non-marked roadside to pick up these fuckers!?!?!? For anyone thinking of reporting this article, for defamation purposes, just remember alot of us are exposed to the fumes of illegal narcotics, not just nicotine, while IN YOUR CARE. I think we both know who's accountable, hmm????

NTL Where do I start? Y'see, the problem is, their digital TV service can go off without warning, at any time, for hours. The only thing about that is, it does NOT come back on automatically. You gotta be watching TV at the time, so you know to UNPLUG the digibox, and plug it back in, as that is the only way to restart it, when it goes (as it frequently does). That's fuck-all use to you if you're taping something when you're out or in bed! Trying to get through to them on the phone is a task in itself, as they dont have any Human beings on the phone lines. They probably wouldn't hire English speaking staff if they did, anyway, just to fit in with the rest of the fucked-up services industry in this country. C'mon, you cunts! Get with it!! You run a service for which you charge a more than adequate fee. It should guarantee SOME sort of professionalism. You're as bad as Dublin Bus

Carny Scum At the Paddy's day 'Festival' on Thursday, we went on a ride, with an 8 year old in our company of five. Having queued (for almost an hour), paid for tickets, been admitted AND seated, the carny then decided she was too small for the ride. Now, we had asked about her height before hand, to be met with the words 'no speak', presuming he didnt speak English. But when he decided she was 'too small', wow!! His vocabularly suddenly doubled!! To add further insult, he gave the child back HER ticket, expecting her to go wait in the crowd, while us four adults continued to 'enjoy' the ride??? Fuck that. We all disembarked with the kid, naturally, and then, get this, he hands us back 3 tickets in total. Thievin' bastard. "There are five of us", I said. His vocabulary then tripled: "Five? Where five?" I had to point him to the five seats we just vacated and count them for him too. Apparently his maths is worse than his English. Gypsy bastard.